


Stronger Than I Ever Could Be On My Own

by diaryofashydreamer



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek TOS - Fandom, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: (Y/N) - Freeform, Affection, Bulimia, Comfort, Eating Disorder, F/M, Food Issues, Kindness, Love, Original Character - Freeform, Purging, Star Trek - Freeform, Star Trek TOS, binge and purge, you comforted by your boyfriend James T kirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 14:15:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5873653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diaryofashydreamer/pseuds/diaryofashydreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You have bulimia, an eating disorder that has been effecting you since your younger years. Now you are on the starship Enterprise, dating James T Kirk, and you never thought your secret would come out. This is your journey to recovery, with the help of your closest friends on the Enterprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He walked into your mutual quarters and You tried to pretend you were asleep, your entire body under the covers of the bed you shared because you were just so cold and so ashamed. You felt you were worth nothing, you weren't even worth noticing- he should have sent you back to earth in an instant when he found out what you had been doing and going through, thanks to Doctor McCoy.  
That little shit walked right in on you meaning you couldn't stop in time with his footsteps in able to cover up what was really going on with a practiced lie, one you had pulled over Spock's eyes when he came across you just once- and he had forgotten about it until now to back McCoy up when they both called Jim into sick bay. 

He took a seat at the edge of the bed, swung his legs over and cradled you from behind, the big spoon just how you liked it...he knew you too well, or so he thought.  
"(y/n)...come on I know you aren't asleep." He said sweetly, trying to lure you out of the covers kindly, before he was to get mad and were to talk business.  
You sniffled, trying to suggest you didn't want to be bothered. You were sure there was something he could be attending to on any other part of this gigantic space ship than some pathetic girl under his bed sheets.  
He hugged you tighter, and layed a soft kiss on your shoulder from atop the covers. He was still so sweet to you when you had lied to him for how long now?

"Jim...Jim I'm so sorry" your voice cracked as the tears started to stream down your face even harder than before he was in the room.   
Such a failure you said to yourself, couldn't even keep composure whilst apologizing.   
He loosened his grip and he pulled your top shoulder as a sign to roll onto your other side, which you complied and cuddled right into his chest, tears making his captains shirt stained with dark blotches of guilt.   
He wrapped his arms around your small frame and pulled you in close as you both lay in bed facing eachother, his body was not only a wonderland, but also a new home. A comfort zone you could find nowhere else, and whenever you were in his arms- it was like nothing was ever wrong.   
"(Y/n), McCoy Spock and I talked, I know what's going on, McCoy told me the whole situation of what he had walked in on...and I'm assuming you knew I knew or you wouldn't be hiding in here crying", he said gently into your ear, landing another kiss on your shoulder, he was approaching the subject cautiously, wisely.   
You took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his cologne trying to calm your breathing- you were going to have to explain sooner or later, and you thought you might as well get it over with now.   
"How long?" Jim whispered, and he kissed your forehead this time, and you pulled the covers down so he could see your entire puffy face with tear streams down each cheek.  
"Too long, years, I can't even remember." You took another deep breath, the light aroma of his cologne filling your lungs.   
"(Y/n), how long?" He looked into your eyes as a few more tears made their way down your face, here goes nothing.

You sat up, and so did Jim as he took you back into his arms in a hugging manner, when the embrace was loosened slightly for Jim to wrap the yellow comforter around you like a cape, he kissed your wet cheek.  
"Since my childhood, probably since middle school" You couldn't meet his eyes, but they begged to look into the deep green pools of comfort and love. He took your hands into his palms, and rubbed his thumbs into your palms.   
"Why? Why would you do this to yourself, for so many years (y/n), you deser-"  
"Don't say it, I don't deserve anything but what is going on. I'm sure Doctor McCoy informed you on why I would do anything of the nature. I'm sure his medical textbooks he's read are familiar with the disorders." You cut Jim off immediately, you couldn't bare the words, couldn't bare any more lies fogging your brain.   
Jim's mouth was open in shock of what you had said, or at least you assumed because nothing else happened in the room to stun him. His eyes even looked hurt when you finally raised your eyes to his, the vibrant green tint now dull and watery. Jim didn't cry, but he did tear up on occasion, and you never thought that you would ever be one of those occasions.

"How could you say you deserve such a terrible disorder (y/n)?" He asked almost breathless.  
"I just feel that way, I can not explain it Jim, and all I can say is I'm so sorry you had to find out this way, find out at all." You removed your eyes from his, unlocking them and looking down onto the comforter. This wasn't going very well, even if Jim was still calm.   
"Why do you do these things to your beautiful body?"  
"I told you I'm sure Doctor McCoy already told you" you fought his question.  
"Well I want to know what you have to say regarding the subject." His tone turned stern, he set his foot down on the question and demanded an answer.   
You raised your eyes slowly to meet his, and took a deep breath to gather what you might say. 

"I do it because I hate myself Jim. I don't know of any other answers you're looking for but that's all I have for you. I hate myself and this is how I cope. I hate myself and I am ugly and need to lose weight and this is what makes me feel better, what helps me reach my goals." Your eyes tears up again at the word, goals...goals you set when you were a child that you have yet to even become close to reaching. To be happy with yourself. 

"Doctor McCoy mentioned your electrolyte balance was low, as well as you are dehydrated and slightly malnourished. Your weight has dropped a few pounds in the last two months he stated, but somehow you've managed to hide this all from me, why would you hide from me?" Jim was upset and you could tell. This was it, the end was near. He was going to break up with you soon, if not right after this conversation. Secrets about eating disorders, or any secrets at all, didn't help relationships last long.   
"I didn't mean to, I was afraid. This is a way of life for me especially, and I was afraid you would be so angry you wouldn't talk to me ever again Jim...you have got to understand how scared I was. How scared I am. How afraid I am that I will lose you to this" you pleaded for him to stay, for him to see you were still a great person, with just a slight problem to your system that practically didn't even change anything about you.   
"I never would walk away from you, I love you, and I want to help you get better." Jim said, kissing you on your cheek, then kissing you deeply on your lips.   
"Jim..." You broke away and took a breath looking him in his eyes, afraid of speaking.  
Do you lie, do you tell the truth...do you do what's best for you or for him.   
"(Y/n)...come on.." Jim asked with pleading eyes, he knew something else was up, he hugged you tight to him, kissing your forehead.  
"I don't know...I don't know if I can do it, this is part of my life, it's been part of my life since forever..." You said quietly, afraid.   
Jim pulled you in closer, and kissed the top of your head as he cradled you, a few tears dropped from his eyes this time.  
"(Y/n), you can do this, I will be right here by your side, we can have small session with Bones and it will only be known between you, me, Spock, and Bones, I promise. We can do this, you can do this." Jim said quietly as he squeezed you tight, then he lifted your chin and kissed you on the lips again taking your breath away.  
Maybe you could do this.


	2. Walking a New Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy fluffy - more to come

-The next day-

You woke up in bed intertwined with Jim, you both had fallen asleep entangled after the discussion about your eating disorder. You felt so warm and comforted inside, it was such an old feeling you weren't sure what to make of it, but you knew you had to remember it. This was the start of a new chapter, a strong chapter. And this time, you had friends who cared about you to help you through it- so you had to succeed.   
You turned your head and kissed Jim's cheek, and he nuzzled closer to you pecking your neck, the warmth of his kiss waking you up even more as you melted into the sensation. You loved him, and he was home.  
He loved you, and you were his home, together you were stronger than this disorder.   
"Jim, honey, good morning" you said in a sweet and sultry morning voice, kissing him this time on the lips. You pulled away and his eyes open lazily, but with a spark- you wondered if he remember the conversation you two had last night.  
"Good morning cutie pie" he said softly into your ear kissing right next to your hairline, sending a slight shiver down your spine. He always knew how to perk you up, how to excite you, how to make you fall into the palm of his hand.  
"Honey bear, this early in the morning?" You said sweetly, giving him another kiss on the lips- for a few more seconds than the last you got lost in his mouth, intertwining tongues and feeling the sparks between your lips. Just like fireworks back on earth, only...better.  
He pulled away and relaxed, as you did too, he did remember the conversation because he was treading lightly, not pushing any sensation too far in fear of pushing you too far. Last night was tough, it was hard to talk so deeply about something you hid for so long...with someone you loved so much, and he understood. He understood you were at this moment fragile, and you respected that, and you thanked him for that silently with another kiss right on top of his perfect nose.  
He loved you, and you loved him. Together- you were stronger.

\---

An hour and a half later you were both out of bed, showered, and we're getting dressed. You watched as Jim pulled on his black undershirt that went underneath his yellow captains shirt, as he tucked it into his body hugging pants, buttoned them up and bent over to pick up his gold shirt. He did have a great ass, and you couldn't lie. As he tugged on his gold shirt you walked up behind him, still in your bathrobe, and wrapped your arms around him so they were perfectly placed right on the curve of his perfect ass.  
"Hey sweetie, you’re looking great today. Especially right here." You said and gave him a small pat on the butt. You kissed his lips as he picked you up and you swung your legs around his hips holding yourself there as you shared a few more breathless kisses. You pulled apart and he let you down, giving you a small peck on the forehead.  
"Well thank you, but I must say there is nothing better than watching you get ready in the morning with a few kisses in between." He smiled and kissed your lips, then you walked back over to your makeup table and began your morning process.  
Jim watched you from his mirror as he combed his hair into its perfect place, and you carefully shaded your eyelids and began to work on your eyeliner. It may never be as fierce and amazing as Uhura's, but none the less you took pride in your makeup, it made you feel better on the outside at least. 

"Hey, sweetie, I was thinking today maybe I could just set up a quick appointment with Bones for you? A quick physical to get your treatment started?" Jim said as he trailed behind you and wrapped his arms around you from behind. He was firm, but not offensive, still cautious around the subject.  
You picked up your eyes and turned around to face Jim, with only one eye lined and finished you locked eyes with him.  
"I think I can do that Jim, but I'm nervous to talk to Bones about this." Which wasn't a lie, you were nervous to hear what the other two thought about you, your condition...probably how they think you are a failure and how you aren't right for Jim. The dark thoughts started to slide in all too easily nowadays.  
"Honey, don't be nervous around Bones, okay? He loves you just as much as I love you, and we all are just worried so much about you and want you to start getting better as soon as possible." He was so sweet, so kind with his words, he helped to keep the dark thoughts at bay. You haven't even thought about binging or purging since lunch time yesterday, all because Jim was there to keep those thoughts at bay. All because Jim had found out about your little secret. All because McCoy had to tell Jim, because they cared about you.  
They were your friends and they cared, they wanted you to get better.  
"Okay Jim, yes you can set up an appointment, but please...you just can't be in the room with me during the physical okay?" You said sternly, afraid of him to see you, afraid of him to see the recent results. Afraid of frightening him, and making him want to leave.  
"If that makes you more comfortable, I will just walk you to sick bay and leave, but remember if you need me I will be right on the bridge and McCoy can call me down, okay? Don't worry about a single thing, everything is going to be okay." He kissed your neck, then your lips, and with that he was off to make your appointment. 

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come!

**Author's Note:**

> There will be more chapters, I have the next few already finished and am writing more! I hope you enjoy and find comfort through this, I know writing this I just felt an overwhelming sense of warmth! Let me know what you think :)


End file.
